I didn't used to start my days like this...
... I was a selfish spoiled bitch, no not bitch, CUNT would be a more appropriate word. I didn't give a shit about anyone or anything, except my NANA.
She's my entire world, as I am hers. Some people think that their soul mate is defined as a lover, a girl/boyfriend, significant other. But I don't. I think that your soul mate is that one person you can share ANYTHING with, one that you can just look at each other and without saying anything know exactly what that person is thinking. My soul mate happens to be 74 years old, and she happens to be: Nana.
At 2, my parents divorced. I went with my mum, she was 26, she had just had my baby brother. My father never loved her, I don't even know if he really ever loved me, but... my father is gone, so moving on...
Mum partied as a young mother, and to be honest, she wasn't a very good one. Mum was always more concerned with her millionaire boyfriends, her kids got pushed to the side.
I remember being 8 years old, Mum was getting ready for a Christmas Party and I was screaming, crying, BEGGING her to stay in with me and my brother. But of course she chose her party over us. I remember despising my mother, I hated her... so once my Dad came back from his military leave I quickly moved in with him. Nana came too :)
Nana has ALWAYS been my babysitter, I lived off and on with her because I was SO unhappy with Mum. But when my Dad bought a house, he let Nana move in to be my 24/7 Nanny. (Nana is my Mum's mother, NOT my father's). Until I was 13 we all lived happily under one roof, minus Mum.
13-18 I'd rather not get into those years. Those are the nightmares i never want to dream of again. If i could erase my memory I would. 13-18 broke me. FUCK THOSE YEARS!!!
I'm 24 now, going on 25. I've lived around the world, partied with the rich & famous & lame, I've done more in my short life than most people in their mid-50's.
August 11th-18th 2010
My Grandpa George, was diagnosed with leukemia and was rapidly dying. While the rest of the family was in the hospital with him, I was bouncing back and forth from Imperial Beach-La Jolla-Mission Hills-Downtown-Imperial Beach-Mission Hills.
I had been taking care of Nana for about a year. Making that 20 minute drive every morning down to her, to run her errands. Even if it meant just going to pick her up a "chocolate shake"... her favorite.
A couple weeks before that day she had started calling me at weird hours. 3am one night, 7am another morning... all just to ask: what day is it? or "i haven't seen you in WEEKS" (i was there earlier that day)
I never once thought something was wrong, I was in complete and utter denial. I didn't want to see what was happening to her. Nobody else in my family noticed, because they were all busy with Grandpa dying. When I would explain Nana's situation to them it was as if it wasn't registering at all thru their thick skulls.
"SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT WITH NANA!!!!" but nobody cared.
Grandpa was on his death bed, my family was falling apart. Especially my EX-Aunt Laura, fucking nut job. My Grandfather was laying there waiting to pass and she had the AUDACITY to attack my Aunt KK who had left her family in Mammoth to be by Gramps side while he fought this sickness. unfortunately he started to lose, his possessions became the number one priority to Laura, NOT her dying father.
I got a call later that night at midnight from Nana telling me she's locked in her bedroom and can't get out. I told her, her door can't lock from the inside and to calm down, I'd be there first thing in the morning.
When i got there I start banging on the front door(I didn't have keys). Usually the front door is open, or she's there to greet me. Something was horribly wrong.
I ran to her bedroom window and start screaming for her. She's yelling back that she can't move. I don't know how i did it but i broke the fuck into that house, security gates, and bars in the windows. i ripped the bar out of the window, somehow lifted my 5'3 body 7 feet off the ground and got in there. What i found is forever burnt into my memory. she was sitting on the ground crying, urine was in her waste basket. she had jammed her bedroom door so hard it was stuck in the door frame. she WAS locked in. She couldn't move, I looked at her shoulder and the entire thing was black, all the way down her back to her breast was bruised. She had broken her collar bone trying to free herself.
I will never forgive myself. She would've never made me wait for her, she would've been there when i called for her.
Called mum and she met us at the hospital... broken clavicle. Nana went home with Mum so she could keep an eye on her.
August 19th, 2010
I went to "_ _ _ _" I'd rather not put this place of business on blast but they're a fucking scam, and should be burnt to the ground. As I'm there working, I get a phone call....
Laura: *fat sobbing* Taylor?
me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?
Laura: did you hear?
me: He's gone isn't he?
Laura: *more fat sobbing*
me: STOP crying!!! he's dead isn't he?!?!? ISN'T HE?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!
Laura: yes...
i couldn't take her crying anymore so i hung up. then my mum calls
Mum: hey, the ambulance has just taken Nana away to the hospital. we don't know what's wrong with her. but she's going to the hospital, and i don't know when she's coming back
I dropped my phone... how can I lose 2 grandparents in the same day??? what the fuck did i do to deserve this?!?!?
i was standing downtown SD in the middle of a parking lot at 6:00pm. I fell to the ground and curled up into a ball. my family members cry ALL the time. i don't. I'm very closed with my feelings, but ever since that day i feel as if the tears have never really stopped. for the first time in "Taylor History" I laid there in the middle of everything/everyone and screamed, screamed at the top of my lungs: FUCK GOD... my exact words. i wanted that asshole up in the "heavens" to hear me, i wanted that piece of shit god to feel my pain. i laid there curled up in a ball screaming, like a psycho. i stayed until my fiance showed up.
he didn't even know what was happening. he had JUST dropped me off an hour before and here i am, laying there screaming, crying, cussing my brains out. i get in the car and all i say:
he's dead and Nana is in the hospital
i didn't speak for the rest of the night. i didn't eat, i didn't do anything. i just felt like absolute shit because i wasn't there for my grandpa.
August 20th-September 8th, 2010
Dementia (taken from Latin, originally meaning "madness", from de- "without" + ment, the root of mens "mind") is a serious loss of cognitive ability in a previously unimpaired person, beyond what might be expected from normal aging. It may be static, the result of a unique global brain injury, or progressive, resulting in long-term decline due to damage or disease in the body.
all those times i would wonder what the hell is going on with Nana, now made sense.
for those of you who have never taken care of someone with dementia, it's not pretty. It's like taking care of a 3 year old, except the 3 year old is 120lbs. and attacks, cusses, threatens...
she's getting worse. yesterday morning as she walked into the living room and sat down to eat breakfast, she looks at me with a bg smile and says with 110% confidince:
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Everything in my life I've given up. I was an AMAZING hair stylist, but now I'm making signs at 6:00am for Nana. It's weird how the rolls have changed, how my entire family is putting all the responsibility on me. I've lost all my friends because of this, fuck those skank ugly bitches anyways. But I get lonely.
I have a wedding to plan in less than 7 months, I got rock stars telling me not to do it. He's the devil living on my left shoulder, telling me to live.
Everything I currently do is for everyone else. I do not get to do anything for me, ever. My life is serving other people now, making sure they are happy.
At the end of the day who's there to make sure I'm okay? that I'm happy?
nobody
I don't know how long I'll have to be Nana's caretaker, but as long as she's on this Earth I'm not leaving her side.
those days are done son
